SEOh My F**cking God!

Left Behind For SES: Top 10 Things To Do Back In The Office

Everyone on the Internet is talking about SES.  Everyone at my office is at SES.  But I am here at my desk.

As I eye the list of seminars that I will not be going to I started thinking; I have to get in on the show somehow.  Luckily, some people I know just created this crazy blog and made the horrible mistake of handing me a login.  So, for all of you out there who are in the same boat as me, here are some things to pass the time while you are NOT at SES.

10. Fox Mulder Ceiling Art

I am a big fan of X-Files, and have always wanted to emulate Mulder’s famous ‘throwing the pencil at the ceiling and it sticks.’  The iconic office ceiling full of pencils was so popular it even made a cameo in the new movie.

Yet, I’ve never been able to muster enough courage to actually throw a pencil at the ceiling.  Well, today is my lucky day - all my bosses are at SES.  Let the pencils fly!

9. Cold Call Competitor’s Clients

“Hello, Mr. Client, are you aware that your (insert technical SEO term here) is broken and it needs to be fixed right away or your site is going to disappear from Google.  Yes, you should call your SEO company…oh, and just in case you can’t get a hold of them, we are available all week to fix bugs, give advice, sign contracts - whatever!”

8. Bogus Twittering

Does anyone following you on Twitter really know that you AREN’T at SES?  If you planned ahead and didn’t tell everyone you weren’t going, now is a good time to drop a few rumor bombs.  Did you see Rand Fishkin making out with Jennifer Laycock after the Viral Campaigns panel?

7. Hype Winchester Mystery House

One of San Jose’s biggest tourist attractions also happens to be its most disappointing.  “Look, stairs that end in a wall…and that will conclude our tour.”  But chances are this is your co-workers first time in San Jose and they have no idea how lame this tourist trap is.  Make sure to tell them to bring you back a souvenir shot glass, which brings me to…

6. Drink

No one is left in the office to bust you, so it is time to put in action what you’ve been joking about for the last five years.  And to get you started here is my recipe for a standard left behind for SES day at work.

Morning consists of an Irish Coffee and a Screwdriver.  Substitute Mimosa if you are in New York, and Bloody Mary if you’re in the Southwest.

Nothing is going to move the middle of your day along like a six pack of cold ones.  Clearly the type of beer will depend upon how successful your SEO company is; but the Midwest will no doubt be staying away from Bud.

Finish up your afternoon with a couple Margaritas and shots of Patron.  And if you happen to smoke by the end of the day both your clients rankings and your co-workers will be sooooo high.

6. Rock Band Conference Room

Since everyone is in San Jose, clients have all been scheduled as conference calls.  Guess what?  That leaves that conference room with the big plasma flat screen wide open for you to hook up your XBox and start jamming.

The only disappointment here is that Rock Band didn’t release a special pack of songs like they did for SXSW.  But then again, there are about 7 Weezer tracks available, so that should keep you geek rockers busy for awhile.

5.  Work From Home

I don’t know about you, but my bosses have been keeping the lines of communication open through Instant Messaging.  And the loophole is clear here, you can send a text bedside.  No need to do the whole get up, take a shower, put decent clothes on, drive somewhere, interact with human beings…

Hit your boss up on Gmail and tell him how weird it is seeing the office so empty.  Little does he know you’re sitting on the beach trying to get sand out of your laptop.

4. Jealous Pranks

You have a whole week to do horrible things to your co-workers desks who went to SES.  There are a ton of idea websites and a good working knowledge of the show The Office will surely help.  But basically, fill their desks with peanuts, paint them pink, put everything in jello, etc.

But let’s not wait until they get back for the fun to begin - send them a photo as soon as you finish.  What are they going to do?  They are stuck in San Jose until Friday.  So in theory you could pull of a prank a day.

Of course, know your limits, and you should never tell your boss about this website when he calls you in for a little ‘talk.’

3. Be Your Own Boss

The big corner office with the nice frosted windows is just going to be sitting there for the next week.  Why not put it to some use, I mean, you’re trying to conserve resources here.

This would also be a good time to invite your parents to lunch one day and give them a tour of the office afterwards.  “Wow honey, your office is huge.  We’re so proud of you!”  Note this tactic might also work on that cute person in the downstairs office you’ve been trying to ask out.

2. Have Your Own Google Party

Everyone knows that the Google Party at SES is going to be totally lame anyways.  So you might as well have your own.

Don’t take everyone to the same old Happy Hour spot, choose some place you’ve never been to, maybe something with a technology theme: like Chili’s!  You can have everyone dress like they’re indie rock stars and talk about how cool they are cause they work for Google.  Be sure to point at everyday objects and say how you should invent that; to which your co-worker replies, “We already did!”

Make sure that you have someone at the office (left behind of course) that can pull off a good Matt Cutts outfit.  Every fifteen minutes have him hush everyone and say something about your search engine that everyone already knows.  Someone else needs to then ask him a question, to which he will reply with an evil grin, “I think I’ve already said too much, hehe.”

At the end of the night you need to bring everyone together for a final group cheers, to which someone yells out, “What are we cheersing to?”  And then everyone yells “Yahoo!” and laughs all the way to their cars.

1. Take Over The Company

You have a week, so you’re going to have to move fast; good thing you’ve been planning this for months.  It is finally time to show everyone that YOU are the master of SEO.

Call every client, tell them about that new idea you’ve been saving for them.  Tell them how this is going to shoot them to the top.  Sorry you couldn’t go through proper channels, but this idea is just that brilliant.  And keep in mind the idea doesn’t really have to be that thought out.  I mean, how is a client supposed to know the difference between a good idea and a bad idea?

If you’ve taken a business ethics class you may be shaking your head at this point.  But think of all the times you were passed up, all your ideas that were stolen, raises you didn’t see - now is your chance to show them!

And just to give credit where credit is due, shoot me over those client names in a month - just so I can enjoy your happiness with you.  You owe it to me for giving you the final push.  Just their names and contact info, that’s all I need…

FRANK

Tags: gmail, google, Jennifer Laycock, matt cutts, rand fishkin, rock band, san jose, ses, twitter, weezer, xfiles